Dispatches From A Football Sofa | Tag Archive

Tag Archives | Holland

The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Scott Parker

March 4, 2012 · Comments ( 2 )

Chapter 33: In which our hero gains a promotion, takes on the Dutch and continues to look utterly dashing.

The call came one Tuesday afternoon whilst Wing Commander Scottisworth Parker was enjoying a brief moment of R&R at his gentleman’s club, deep in the heart of Marylebone. He had spent the morning fulfilling his role as Housewife’s Officer of Choice by posing for a promotional advertisement in which he side-parted his short back and sides with a leading hairstyling wax. By three o’clock he was firmly ensconced in a leather armchair, sucking on a pipe whilst mulling over the latest issue of The Chap, paying great attention to an article within concerning the correct procedure in which one must button up one’s waistcoat.

Why I Don’t Wear A Poppy

November 13, 2011 · Comments ( 10 )

Many years ago, when I was a cub scout, I remember having to get up on Remembrance Sunday and attend a service for those who fell during the First World War. They were sombre, sober affairs and made a deep impression on this eight year-old boy. In later years, having studied the poems of Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon and like so many others witnessed the final scene of Blackadder, the futility and waste of those four years continued to resonate despite the changing of generations. I always endeavoured to wear a poppy in honour of those who had fought but nowadays, I no longer wear one. It is a conscious decision though not borne out of apathy or disrespect I hasten to add.

Read more on Why I Don’t Wear A Poppy…

My Mate Pete White

February 20, 2011 · Comments ( 6 )

The vast majority of this week has seen me putting together a Dispatch in which I dissected the meaning of Gennaro Guttuso’s ‘Waterloo’ moment. The aging pitbull general of the AC Milan midfield, faced with the realisation that his team had been largely outfought and outthought by the relative Champions League novices of Tottenham, decided to take matters into his own hands and attempt to fight the entire Spurs squad with coach Joe Jordan being the particular focus of his red-misted ire.

El Mayor Espectáculo del Mundo

July 11, 2010 · Comments ( 1 )

It may not have been pretty. It may not have been the spectacle of extravagance and style that we would have hoped. At times it resembled a slugging contest with some truly thuggish gamesmanship but in the end the team that attempted to play with a fluidity of movement and expression of freedom prevailed. Spain are the World Champions. And despite my belief that neither Spain nor Holland were truly deserving of their place in the Final itself, it cannot be denied that of the two finalists, it was the Spaniards who did the most to warrant the title now bestowed upon them.

All In The Game

July 10, 2010 · Comments ( 1 )

Thank you Germany! Thank you Uruguay! As I hoped, match number sixty-three was one of the tournament’s truly entertaining and vibrant games. Of course, without the stakes being quite so high, both teams relaxed and played the kind of football that they are both capable of and have shown at various stages over the course of their seven matches in South Africa. And with it they were able to dispel the growing perception that this World Cup has been a series of drab, Mourinho-inspired tactical deadlocks. Of course, there have been those who have used such methods to progress (see holland) and I have been as guilty as anybody else of bemoaning this kind of effective pragmatism but having done so, I have neglected one of the other recurring themes of these Dispatches: the capacity of the World Cup to produce moments that will become embedded in one’s psyche, those golden moments that unfold a sprawling grand narrative which captivates us throughout its duration. (see worldcupdreams)

Impressions of Africa

July 9, 2010 · Comments ( 2 )

The news emerged today that, health permitting, Nelson Mandela will be in attendance at the Final at Soccer City on Sunday and if this is the case, he will be asked to present the trophy to the new champions. I sincerely hope this is what comes to pass. This is how it should be. Because from the moment the reports broke of the tragic and premature death of his great grand-daughter on the eve of the tournament, some of the soul was ripped out of this greatest of parties. As I wrote all those weeks ago, this was to be the crowning glory of the great man’s ‘long walk to freedom’ and to have been so sadly denied the opportunity to bask in the sunshine of his nation’s open embracing of the rest of the world is perhaps one of the most callous hands fate could have dealt. (see va-va-vuvuzela)

Unpredictable Predictability

July 7, 2010 · Comments ( 4 )

I’d imagine that fish restaurants from Hamburg to Leipzig will be sharpening their knives tonight in anticipation of a flurry of orders for the ‘kalamari special’ over the next few days. Unfortunately, schools of innocent squid will probably suffer terminal fates because of the uncanny ability of one of their distant cousins to correctly predict the result of all the matches involving Germany at this World Cup. Yet again, Paul the Octopus gravitated towards the flag of the victors in his tank at the Oberhausen Sea Life Aquarium and this time his prediction was Spain.

Identity Crisis

July 6, 2010 · Comments ( 2 )

There is something about this Holland team that is slightly amiss. How can a team that has breezed through its group, overcome the imposing hurdle of Brazil and by and large looked comfortable in its semi-final victory against Uruguay, leave so many of us with a hollow feeling in the pit of our stomachs?

Cheating the System

July 5, 2010 · Comments ( 3 )

The Corinthian football club of the nineteenth century, so the story goes, was so staunch in its commitment to the spirit of amateur fair play, that when an own goal was scored by one of their opponents, they would immediately reciprocate the gesture by scoring one of their own. Penalties for them were anathema, missing them deliberately. And they refused to join the Football League or compete in the FA Cup for years because their founding rules stated that players were forbidden to “compete for any challenge cup or prizes of any description.” My, how the times have a-changed…

School Reports

July 4, 2010 · Comments ( 1 )

The teacher in me couldn’t resist the opportunity. So without further ado here are Mr Theoharis’ end of term reports for the final four:

Uruguay:

This pupil has exceeded all expectations this year. He has applied himself to his studies with a commitment and discipline which has seen him rise from the middle ranks of the class and thus set himself the achievable target of finishing the term as star performer. Uruguay has shown exceptional flourishes of flamboyance on sporadic occasions and despite having to overcome a mid-term difficult period, when it seemed that everybody else in the class was willing him to fail, he has shown incredible tenacity which has seen him prevail and stands him in good stead for the examinations to follow.