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The Gospel According To Sepp

November 20, 2011 · Comments ( 1 )

Live and direct from his parish in Zurich, Pastor Sepp Blatter addresses his global congregation.

Brothers and sisters. Hear this. When I woke up this morning, I heard a disturbing sound. I said, when I woke up this morning, I heard a disturbing sound! What I heard was the wail of those who would have you believe that the souls of men aren’t pure. That a man’s heart can be poisoned by the shade of a man’s skin. Don’t be fooled, my people. The non-believer, the heathen, would lead you into a road of dangerous sanity. He would deceive you into thinking that one man has the darkness of heart to cuss and curse against another on that most sacred and hallowed place of worship, the football arena.

Some tell you that the world wasn’t created in seven days and seven nights. Others tell you we are evolved from apes. I cannot comment on this. But what I can emphatically and proudly tell you is that, I, your humble servant, having contemplated and worked tirelessly to re-pay the faith that you have placed in him, has indeed forever eradicated the scourge of Man; racism. The Tower of Babel is no more. I have brought nations together as one family and every four years they congregate to give thanks and adulation to me. For who else is capable of saving the planet from the fire of eternal damnation that is the Football Association of England?

Why I Don’t Wear A Poppy

November 13, 2011 · Comments ( 10 )

Many years ago, when I was a cub scout, I remember having to get up on Remembrance Sunday and attend a service for those who fell during the First World War. They were sombre, sober affairs and made a deep impression on this eight year-old boy. In later years, having studied the poems of Wilfred Owen and Siegfried Sassoon and like so many others witnessed the final scene of Blackadder, the futility and waste of those four years continued to resonate despite the changing of generations. I always endeavoured to wear a poppy in honour of those who had fought but nowadays, I no longer wear one. It is a conscious decision though not borne out of apathy or disrespect I hasten to add.

Read more on Why I Don’t Wear A Poppy…

Instant Replay by Mark Ellison

October 5, 2011 · Comments ( 6 )

Don’t you just hate it when Americans get things right? Dispatches welcomes Mark Ellison to the Football Sofa as he tells us Old Worlders how we’ve got it all wrong.

As an American and a sports fan who lived in London for five years, I often found myself joyfully explaining the ins and outs of American football to curious British, Irish, and European friends. Inevitably I was asked certain questions: Are all those pads necessary? What’s with the obese players? Why is college football such a big deal? Why do you call it football anyway? My answers, which I had down by rote, were generally accepted, albeit often with a degree of disdain. Two issues in particular, though, consistently shocked and awed my sports fan counterparts from the wrong side of the pond to such a degree that bringing them up would lead to more debate and discussion than there were pints in the pub.

Terry and Lamps: An Homage

September 18, 2011 · Comments ( 0 )

Dispatches From A Football Sofa was fortunate enough to obtain a secret recording from Chelsea’s training ground this week. What follows is a transcript of a conversation that took place between stalwarts John Terry and Frank Lampard as they discuss the failed attempts to bring home Roman’s Holy Grail. Maybe.

A Conspiracy of Dunces

May 1, 2011 · Comments ( 1 )

“Sometimes to me it is disgusting to live in this world and have this football world for a living.” – Jose Mourinho

As the Happy Couple performed their much-anticipated nuptials and the world looked on with a sense of either wonderment, pride or sneering indifference (delete where applicable), much more sinister forces were at work behind the highly guarded barricades of Buckingham Palace. The royal family, you see, are not all that they might seem. According to sometime goalkeeper and now quasi-messianic oddball David Icke, the Windsors are in fact part of a shape-shifting reptilian race that controls and feeds on humanity. The sacrificial rituals required to carry on their domination led to the ‘murder’ of Princess Diana and there are grave concerns now for the future of the recently wed Duchess of Cambridge after her investiture.

Mind Your Language

January 16, 2011 · Comments ( 6 )

Despite being seriously overworked this week and in desperate need of an early night, it was nigh-on impossible to allow myself to settle down under the duvet with a good read on Wednesday night until I’d seen the highlights and post-match reaction to Blackpool’s historic win over a shambolic Liverpool side. This enforced apnoea had nothing to do with how Liverpool’s rapid descent into the footballing twilight zone was to be dissected with yet more non-confrontational and placid pronouncements from ‘King’ Kenny. It had everything to do with one man who has single-handedly transformed the post-match interview and has become more essential in viewing terms than any of his opposite numbers in the media-conscious summit of the Premier League. Take a bow, Ian Holloway.

Sign Of The Times

December 19, 2010 · Comments ( 4 )

In last week’s Dispatch, I did promise to write about something positive seeing that the soul of football has taken somewhat of a battering in the last few weeks. It might give you a better insight into my psyche that I find it easier to rail and wail against the wantonly amoral forces which seem to suck the lifeblood out of the game, rather than celebrating the good things but trust me, I will give you something positive to take away with you by the end of this post, in preparation for all the good tidings you will no doubt be wishing upon your fellow man over the coming days. You might have to read closely, but it’s there somewhere.

Financial Incentives, Filthy Ambitions (Part 2)

December 5, 2010 · Comments ( 3 )

Qatar’s Emir, Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa a

Part 2 of the Dispatches special on the World Cup bids looks at the reasons and implications behind FIFA’s decision to award the tournament to Russia and Qatar.

In the misguided march to war with Iraq in 2003, US Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld drew a line in the sand. Europe was divided into two distinct and discernible camps. There was ‘Old Europe’, comprising of those countries who had fostered and re-built the concepts of Western liberal democracy in the embers of the Second World War and were reluctant to unthinkingly be at America’s beck and call. And there was ‘New’ Europe’ made up of states who had emerged out of the rubble of Communism’s failure in the last decade of the twentieth century; eager to curry favour with the world’s only superpower and forge their own powerplays on the world stage. The rest, as the saying goes, is history.

Financial Incentives, Filthy Ambitions (Part 1)

December 4, 2010 · Comments ( 0 )

In the first of a two-part World Cup bid special, Dispatches looks at the moral code of the game’s governing body.

What a week! On Monday, I found myself marvelling with child-like excitement at the sheer audacity and breathtaking ability displayed by Barcelona in their beautiful demolition of Real Madrid. I was reminded of how football, when played with such technical skill and outrageous joy, has the ability to be a transcendent and life-affirming pursuit. That’s how good Barcelona are. Such noble and let’s face it, somewhat naïve ideals were brought down to earth with a soul-destroying thud just over forty-eight hours later when FIFA’s executive committee served up two of the most transparently craven and cynical decisions, in awarding the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar respectively. I’ve been grappling with an overbearing sense of ennui ever since. Because for some reason, despite all the evidence to suggest otherwise, I still foolishly believed that this game, no matter how hidden beneath the layers of high finance and political chicanery, contained a semblance of humanity and heart. So why do I keep continuing to care?

The Blame Game

November 28, 2010 · Comments ( 3 )

You know the world’s gone slightly awry when you actually find yourself empathising with football referees. Other than traffic wardens, politicians and bankers there probably isn’t a more vilified and criticised profession at present than that of the matchday official. Ten Scottish Football League games were called off this weekend with four more having to be officiated by foreign referees because of a strike by their colleagues. Emanating from increased criticism by managers, players and fans, the men with the whistles felt that they needed to down tools in order to demonstrate their growing discontent with how they are treated.