I am an atheist. This is to my grandmother’s eternal disapproval seeing as she has grown increasingly more religious during the final chapters of her life. Seeking solace in the comforting warmth and promises that religion offers is understandable for an eighty-two year old woman. As for her grandson, he could tell you about the time he held a chimpanzee in his arms and could see in that moment the clear, fleeting connection humans shared with primates before our evolutionary paths forked. Or he could spend the best part of a thousand words debunking the myths of religion. But I am no Richard Dawkins. I am neither zealot nor crusader. Believe what you want to believe.
Tag Archives | Beckham
An Old Trafford Christmas Carol
It’s coming up to the two hundredth anniversary of Charles Dickens’ birth and it’s nearly Christmas. So this year’s Christmas Dispatch was easy. Say hello, to a famous old curmudgeon…
As the dying embers of the fire crackled and hissed, Ebenezer Ferguson clasped his gnarled hands around a flagon of whiskey and took another sip. Pinched of cheek and red of nose, he sat awaiting the fast-approaching hour of twelve; the night before Christmas morn. An hour before he had received a visitation from a spectre. His former partner, Brian Kiddisworth had miraculously emerged from an ethereal dimension to reproach and warn him to mend the error of his ways. Kiddisworth had betrayed his mentor years previously and the two men had not exchanged a passing pleasantry for the remainder of Kiddisworth’s time on Earth. Ebenezer Ferguson had cared not a jot. He had become hardened of heart and allowed personal feuds to destroy what aspects of humanity still remained within him.
One Gary Speed
I never met you. You didn’t play for the club I support or any of the traditional teams that fuel the rivalry of this game of ours. So I never formulated any strong emotion towards you. If I’m being totally honest, you were one of those players who passed me by whenever I watched a game involving you, only for analysts to point out my tactical ignorance by explaining your titanic contributions to the midfield battles that are the crux of any match. And once shown, I would quietly acknowledge that you were a fantastic player who made the best of the skills you were given.
Anyone For Tennis? by Nancy Alsop
Believe it or not, but there are some people out there who don’t actually like football. I repeat, there are people who don’t like football. Nancy Alsop is here to make the case for the non-believer. Tut.
Oligarchs Prefer Blondes
The final part in the loose ‘Chelsea trilogy’ of Dispatches seems to have pinpointed the root of Fernando Torres’ current woes.
He may end the season with a Champions League medal dangling round his neck. He might go on to score over thirty goals in the Premier League with a record haul of hat-tricks. He might even gratefully receive an approving thumbs-up from a famously impassive Russian. But no matter what he does, Fernando Torres’ horrific miss in front of the Stretford End will forever feature in various Christmas cash-in blooper DVDs fronted by an assortment of ‘funnymen’ like Michael McIntyre or footballing ‘characters’ like Ian Wright.
When Dispatches Met 90 Minutes
Ah, the nineties – New Labour, Britpop and Euro ’96. Everything seemed possible, right? And in the midst of all that euphoria, there was 90 Minutes magazine. Having graduated from the innocent charms of Match but finding the grown-up seriousness of When Saturday Comes a little too highbrow, this magazine with its irreverent charm came at just the right time and inadvertently inspired me into putting together my own badly photocopied fanzine which traded under the name ‘Injury Time’. I sold three copies in the school canteen.
Captain Caveman: The De-evolution of John Terry
Note: This Dispatch will not use the term ‘JT’ at any point.
So much for Fabio Capello’s thunderously ominous pronouncement that the aggrieved John Terry had made a “big mistake” after the former had seemingly conspired to promote a mutiny in the ranks during last year’s World Cup. Apparently, some of the squad weren’t happy with the head coach’s disciplinarian methods and Terry used a press conference to publicly challenge the Italian’s authority. At the time, Capello’s swift rebuttal was largely commended and it seemed a fractious power struggle had been avoided. The father had reproached the son and a tentative détente had been achieved.
Read more on Captain Caveman: The De-evolution of John Terry…
My Mate Pete White
The vast majority of this week has seen me putting together a Dispatch in which I dissected the meaning of Gennaro Guttuso’s ‘Waterloo’ moment. The aging pitbull general of the AC Milan midfield, faced with the realisation that his team had been largely outfought and outthought by the relative Champions League novices of Tottenham, decided to take matters into his own hands and attempt to fight the entire Spurs squad with coach Joe Jordan being the particular focus of his red-misted ire.
Familiarity Breeds Contempt
It was billed as an alternative to Newsnight. With much trumpeting on our airwaves, billboards and computer screens, Channel 4’s new satirical television show, 10 o’clock Live made its debut last Thursday night promising much. Attempting to harness the creative and celebrated talents of presenters, comedians and cultural commentators such as The Guardian’s Charlie Brooker and Peep Show’s David Mitchell what we were infact subjected to was a series of hackneyed one-liners, sneering asides and lazy tub-thumping aimed at utilising the partisan audience’s pre-existing disdain for authority. It all came across as an exercise in smugness by all involved. How sad.
A Sunday Sermon
Today’s sermon will comprise three parables alluding to the events of this most tumultuous of weeks in the Premier League parish.
The Parable of the Southern Man
After enjoying much success and acclaim with his powers of healing the most afflicted of organisms, a southern man was sent for by one of the warring kingdoms of the north-west to restore the health of one of its ailing tribes. Unbeknownst to the southern man, the tribe was in the midst of a bloody civil war that only served to inflict further wounds on a body that was suffering the ravages of the decaying of time.
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In Defence Of Luis Suarez by Rachael Singh
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What’s The Point Of Scottish Football?
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Captain Caveman: The De-evolution of John Terry
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Alan Davies Is Here All Week
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Liverpool Football Club, 1892 – 2012 – An Obituary
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