Dispatches From A Football Sofa | Tag Archive

Tag Archives | Africa

Mutiny At Stamford Bridge: The Downfall Of Villas-Boas

March 11, 2012 · Comments ( 2 )

In the space of seven days, two Russians have asserted their authority with characteristic ruthlessness. In Moscow, Vladimir Putin is currently snuffing out any dissent that has arisen from his contested election victory last Sunday. Meanwhile, in the borough of Hammersmith and Fulham, Roman Abramovich yet again demonstrated that his willingness to abandon his managerial appointments in favour of a dressing room dominated by preening egos is probably the greatest hindrance to Chelsea’s long-term future at the English game’s summit.

Coventry City And The Irrationality Of Hate

February 26, 2012 · Comments ( 7 )

For Ray Dimond

When it comes to the team I hate most in football, it’s not Arsenal who have subjected most of my years supporting Spurs to one humiliating capitulation after another whilst watching on enviously as the trophies and plaudits washed across the hearths of both Highbury and The Emirates. It’s not even Chelsea, who spent years playing the playground bully holding the school squirt’s attempts to land a blow on his chin at arm’s length. West Ham? They’ve always been a minor irritation but have never come close to raising my hackles to such an extent that I lose the ability for rational thought.

That particular ‘honour’ will always belong to Coventry City. It’s not their association with Richard Keys that sets my teeth on edge, although that doesn’t help. No, the genesis for my myopic brand of loathing can be pinpointed to one particular sunny day. 16^th May, 1987. On that day, I awoke to find a seven inch vinyl copy of Chas ‘n’ Dave’s FA Cup final song, Hot Shot Tottenham, gleaming with promise and hope at the edge of my bed placed there lovingly by my mum; it was better than Christmas. And from about eight in the morning to when the television build-up began around noon, I played it continuously on a loop. The outcome of that day we all know, but what truly stung was the realisation that cup win number eight was not as the Cockernee Duo promised, “coming up” and neither were Spurs, “the team, the cream… the best you’ve ever seen”.

In Defence Of Luis Suarez by Rachael Singh

February 8, 2012 · Comments ( 47 )

Like him or not, Luis Suarez has been the most talked about and divisive character of the season. I had my say a few weeks ago, but Dispatches is nothing if not fair. As this week the law is under the microscope on here, Liverpool fan Rachael Singh pleads the case for the defence. Take cover.

The Gospel According To Sepp

November 20, 2011 · Comments ( 1 )

Live and direct from his parish in Zurich, Pastor Sepp Blatter addresses his global congregation.

Brothers and sisters. Hear this. When I woke up this morning, I heard a disturbing sound. I said, when I woke up this morning, I heard a disturbing sound! What I heard was the wail of those who would have you believe that the souls of men aren’t pure. That a man’s heart can be poisoned by the shade of a man’s skin. Don’t be fooled, my people. The non-believer, the heathen, would lead you into a road of dangerous sanity. He would deceive you into thinking that one man has the darkness of heart to cuss and curse against another on that most sacred and hallowed place of worship, the football arena.

Some tell you that the world wasn’t created in seven days and seven nights. Others tell you we are evolved from apes. I cannot comment on this. But what I can emphatically and proudly tell you is that, I, your humble servant, having contemplated and worked tirelessly to re-pay the faith that you have placed in him, has indeed forever eradicated the scourge of Man; racism. The Tower of Babel is no more. I have brought nations together as one family and every four years they congregate to give thanks and adulation to me. For who else is capable of saving the planet from the fire of eternal damnation that is the Football Association of England?

Oligarchs Prefer Blondes

September 25, 2011 · Comments ( 4 )

The final part in the loose ‘Chelsea trilogy’ of Dispatches seems to have pinpointed the root of Fernando Torres’ current woes.

He may end the season with a Champions League medal dangling round his neck. He might go on to score over thirty goals in the Premier League with a record haul of hat-tricks. He might even gratefully receive an approving thumbs-up from a famously impassive Russian. But no matter what he does, Fernando Torres’ horrific miss in front of the Stretford End will forever feature in various Christmas cash-in blooper DVDs fronted by an assortment of ‘funnymen’ like Michael McIntyre or footballing ‘characters’ like Ian Wright.

Read more on Oligarchs Prefer Blondes…

Preaching To The Choir

April 17, 2011 · Comments ( 6 )

(Photo by Laurence Griffiths/Getty Images)

Should you ever find yourself in the fabled crescent city of New Orleans, be sure to swing on by to 726 St Peter in the French Quarter. You’ll see a seemingly innocuous structure. It needs a lick of paint and to the outsider, might appear on the point of dereliction. Don’t be fooled though. Appearances are mischievously deceptive. Because once the corrugated gates open on any number of balmy Louisiana evenings and the heat of the crowd sends beads of sweat dripping down your forehead, you’ll find that there’s magic to be found.

The Last Shadow Puppets

February 27, 2011 · Comments ( 2 )

image-3-for-fall-of-a-dictator-gallery-445382984

The television screens of the world were dominated this week, by an aging man railing at unseen forces hell-bent on dislodging him from his seat of power. Underneath his umbrella, (somewhat reminiscent of that pathetically iconic snapshot of Steve McClaren watching helplessly as his England regime dissolved in the Wembley deluge), Colonel Muamar Gaddafi ranted and foamed at the mouth blaming the twin evils of Al-Qaeda and drugs for the unrest engulfing Libya. Puffy-eyed and increasingly deluded, like any other shameless egoist, he doggedly failed to claim any responsibility for his own failings and threatened repercussions, promising to ‘cleanse’ the country of its enemies.

My Mate Pete White

February 20, 2011 · Comments ( 6 )

The vast majority of this week has seen me putting together a Dispatch in which I dissected the meaning of Gennaro Guttuso’s ‘Waterloo’ moment. The aging pitbull general of the AC Milan midfield, faced with the realisation that his team had been largely outfought and outthought by the relative Champions League novices of Tottenham, decided to take matters into his own hands and attempt to fight the entire Spurs squad with coach Joe Jordan being the particular focus of his red-misted ire.

Financial Incentives, Filthy Ambitions (Part 2)

December 5, 2010 · Comments ( 3 )

Qatar’s Emir, Sheikh Hamad bin Khalifa a

Part 2 of the Dispatches special on the World Cup bids looks at the reasons and implications behind FIFA’s decision to award the tournament to Russia and Qatar.

In the misguided march to war with Iraq in 2003, US Secretary of Defence, Donald Rumsfeld drew a line in the sand. Europe was divided into two distinct and discernible camps. There was ‘Old Europe’, comprising of those countries who had fostered and re-built the concepts of Western liberal democracy in the embers of the Second World War and were reluctant to unthinkingly be at America’s beck and call. And there was ‘New’ Europe’ made up of states who had emerged out of the rubble of Communism’s failure in the last decade of the twentieth century; eager to curry favour with the world’s only superpower and forge their own powerplays on the world stage. The rest, as the saying goes, is history.

Financial Incentives, Filthy Ambitions (Part 1)

December 4, 2010 · Comments ( 0 )

In the first of a two-part World Cup bid special, Dispatches looks at the moral code of the game’s governing body.

What a week! On Monday, I found myself marvelling with child-like excitement at the sheer audacity and breathtaking ability displayed by Barcelona in their beautiful demolition of Real Madrid. I was reminded of how football, when played with such technical skill and outrageous joy, has the ability to be a transcendent and life-affirming pursuit. That’s how good Barcelona are. Such noble and let’s face it, somewhat naïve ideals were brought down to earth with a soul-destroying thud just over forty-eight hours later when FIFA’s executive committee served up two of the most transparently craven and cynical decisions, in awarding the 2018 and 2022 World Cups to Russia and Qatar respectively. I’ve been grappling with an overbearing sense of ennui ever since. Because for some reason, despite all the evidence to suggest otherwise, I still foolishly believed that this game, no matter how hidden beneath the layers of high finance and political chicanery, contained a semblance of humanity and heart. So why do I keep continuing to care?

← Older posts