Dispatches From A Football Sofa | As featured in The Guardian

Our Friends In The North: The Rise And Rise Of Newcastle United

April 1, 2012 · Comments ( 6 )

Note: This Dispatch trades in lazy stereotypes. Newcastle fans, read to the end.

On a trip up to Edinburgh on the East Coast Main Line last August, one of the stops en route was Newcastle. As the train approached the city, the Tyne Bridge emerged with industrial majesty from the sunny haze of the train’s window and I inexplicably felt a slight shiver of awe. Almost immediately, as we waited to pull away from the station, we were greeted with the sight of a man in a Newcastle home shirt banging on one of the station platform’s vending machines uttering barely decipherable curses, having lost his money whilst trying to stay steady on his feet.

Praying For Muamba: An Atheist’s Dilemma

March 25, 2012 · Comments ( 10 )

I am an atheist. This is to my grandmother’s eternal disapproval seeing as she has grown increasingly more religious during the final chapters of her life. Seeking solace in the comforting warmth and promises that religion offers is understandable for an eighty-two year old woman. As for her grandson, he could tell you about the time he held a chimpanzee in his arms and could see in that moment the clear, fleeting connection humans shared with primates before our evolutionary paths forked. Or he could spend the best part of a thousand words debunking the myths of religion. But I am no Richard Dawkins. I am neither zealot nor crusader. Believe what you want to believe.

Harry Redknapp Killed My Blog by George Ogier

March 21, 2012 · Comments ( 5 )

It promised to bring a more varied and original approach to football writing but George Ogier feels the Great Football Blog Boom has gone bust. And he knows just who to blame…

What Would Brian Clough Say?

March 18, 2012 · Comments ( 2 )

Last week saw Dispatches lament the demise of the football manager. So this week, the Sofa felt it needed to channel the afterlife to interview a manager whose presence still resonates years after he passed. Frost/Nixon this may not be. But it’ll give Gallagher/Balotelli a run for their money.

Mutiny At Stamford Bridge: The Downfall Of Villas-Boas

March 11, 2012 · Comments ( 2 )

In the space of seven days, two Russians have asserted their authority with characteristic ruthlessness. In Moscow, Vladimir Putin is currently snuffing out any dissent that has arisen from his contested election victory last Sunday. Meanwhile, in the borough of Hammersmith and Fulham, Roman Abramovich yet again demonstrated that his willingness to abandon his managerial appointments in favour of a dressing room dominated by preening egos is probably the greatest hindrance to Chelsea’s long-term future at the English game’s summit.

Roy Race: The Unauthorised Biography by Roger Domeneghetti

March 7, 2012 · Comments ( 0 )

It would seem that Dispatches has slipped into the realms of the parallel universe this week. On Sunday, it was Scott Parker as Biggles whilst this Wednesday’s post tells the true-life tale of a very fictitious character. Are you sitting comfortably? Roger Domeneghetti wants to tell you an amazing story…

The Amazing Adventures Of Captain Scott Parker

March 4, 2012 · Comments ( 2 )

Chapter 33: In which our hero gains a promotion, takes on the Dutch and continues to look utterly dashing.

The call came one Tuesday afternoon whilst Wing Commander Scottisworth Parker was enjoying a brief moment of R&R at his gentleman’s club, deep in the heart of Marylebone. He had spent the morning fulfilling his role as Housewife’s Officer of Choice by posing for a promotional advertisement in which he side-parted his short back and sides with a leading hairstyling wax. By three o’clock he was firmly ensconced in a leather armchair, sucking on a pipe whilst mulling over the latest issue of The Chap, paying great attention to an article within concerning the correct procedure in which one must button up one’s waistcoat.

Coventry City And The Irrationality Of Hate

February 26, 2012 · Comments ( 7 )

For Ray Dimond

When it comes to the team I hate most in football, it’s not Arsenal who have subjected most of my years supporting Spurs to one humiliating capitulation after another whilst watching on enviously as the trophies and plaudits washed across the hearths of both Highbury and The Emirates. It’s not even Chelsea, who spent years playing the playground bully holding the school squirt’s attempts to land a blow on his chin at arm’s length. West Ham? They’ve always been a minor irritation but have never come close to raising my hackles to such an extent that I lose the ability for rational thought.

That particular ‘honour’ will always belong to Coventry City. It’s not their association with Richard Keys that sets my teeth on edge, although that doesn’t help. No, the genesis for my myopic brand of loathing can be pinpointed to one particular sunny day. 16^th May, 1987. On that day, I awoke to find a seven inch vinyl copy of Chas ‘n’ Dave’s FA Cup final song, Hot Shot Tottenham, gleaming with promise and hope at the edge of my bed placed there lovingly by my mum; it was better than Christmas. And from about eight in the morning to when the television build-up began around noon, I played it continuously on a loop. The outcome of that day we all know, but what truly stung was the realisation that cup win number eight was not as the Cockernee Duo promised, “coming up” and neither were Spurs, “the team, the cream… the best you’ve ever seen”.

The Hidden Perils Of Fantasy Football by Simon Jones

February 22, 2012 · Comments ( 3 )

What’s ruining football? Manchester City’s ‘moneyball’? John Terry’s foul mouth? The decline of the Big Man up front? Actually, it’s none of the above. Simon Jones reckons it’s something else. His theory is not beyond the realms of fantasy.

What’s The Point Of Scottish Football?

February 19, 2012 · Comments ( 42 )

The ignominy of seeing one of Britain’s biggest and most successful clubs this week finally accepting the grim reality of administration was one thing. Glasgow Rangers’ humiliation however, paled in comparison when the disparity that exists within Scottish football became glaringly apparent when the club had ten points deducted for its failure to balance the books. The upshot of this was in many respects the biggest indictment of football north of the border. Rangers were left trailing archrivals Celtic by fourteen points but nevertheless maintaining a nine point cushion of comfort from third placed Motherwell. The remainder of the season will inevitably be just a dull procession.

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