Archive | March, 2013

Charlie Brooker Made Me Hate Spurs, Liverpool, Chelsea, Manchester United And You


I want to start this week’s Dispatch with an apology of sorts.

Ever since I paid homage to Black Mirror, Charlie Brooker’s misanthropic outlook seems to have infiltrated my writing. It hasn’t helped that during the last month, I’ve saturated my brain cells with his latest volume of barbed commentary or ensured Weekly Wipe was set on series link. He’s even seeped into my teaching as I’ve openly promoted his bleak take on humanity’s slow slide into moronic passivity to my impressionable but highly gifted Media Studies students. It’s somewhat disconcerting however, when you find yourself pre-empting his snarky talent for a metaphor before he himself has even uttered it on How Television Ruined Your Life. My hair’s also started doing that weird little wavy thing he now sports. I feel I’m but one sneer away from calling Nina, Konnie.

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Closed Shop: Why Cyprus And San Marino Will Never Play With The Big Boys


When Oliver Kay of The Times was this week duped into writing a story detailing plans by those dastardly Qataris to finance a breakaway football league comprising Europe’s elite football clubs, the blogosphere (horrible word) erupted into a bilesack of righteous indignation. It was aimed at the incompetence of those people professionally employed to meld words together into sentences about football. In response to such insolence, writers who should really have risen above the tittle-tattle, retorted with puerile jibes aimed at belittling ‘amateurs’.

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The Pope Supports Chelsea…Probably


I love a good conclave, I do. All those doddering old men, locked away for hours upon end, wheeling and dealing their way like extravagantly robed Harry Redknapps, to electing a new Pope. Granted, my knowledge of this secretive little ritual mainly derives from various Dan Brown novels and as an atheist, I approach it with the detached bemusement I would any other archaic practice associated with organised religion. Thankfully, Sky News made it easier to follow for the layman, driven as they were to re-create the bombast and bluster of transfer deadline day in attempt to add some drama for the attention-ravaged masses. I lapped it up. It’s like FIFA’s general assembly. With added mitres and corruption.

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Roy Keane Killed Hugo Chavez

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Manchester United have just been dumped out of the Champions League and Roy Keane is one side glance away from unleashing some unspeakable act of ultraviolence upon a cowed Gareth Southgate for having the temerity to disagree with him over the referee’s controversial decision to send off Nani. Perhaps sensing bloodshed, Adrian Chiles cuts to a message from the sponsors; ITV probably fearing the gruesome sight of Southgate’s tongue being ripped from his skull by Keane’s bare hands.

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Liverpool Football Club: Losing Battles, Losing Wars


Astounding as it may now seem, for a brief moment last summer I was hopeful that Brendan Rodgers was the man to fill the then vacant manager’s position at White Hart Lane. When the maligned Andre Villas-Boas was subsequently installed, a sense of ambivalent detachment ensued on my part. However, with the season about to enter its final stages, it is unquestionably apparent that Daniel Levy is a far more astute judge of character than I will ever be, hence why he is charged with overseeing Spurs’ fortunes and I’m not.

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