Dispatches From A Football Sofa | As featured in The Guardian

We Are Football Supporters

May 19, 2013 · Comments ( 0 )

It’s easy these days to moan, to groan,

To snipe and gripe on mobile phone,

“It’s not the same as when I was a lad,

Jumpers for goalposts and sticker fads,

Sir Alex Ferguson: Attach Superlative Here

May 12, 2013 · Comments ( 3 )

Sir Alex Ferguson retires. How does one even begin to write a piece that sums up the achievements and influence of this man? Can anything new and original be gleaned from the avalanche of tributes, salutations and platitudes paid to the old curmudgeon since Wednesday’’s announcement?

The Football Blind Spot

May 5, 2013 · Comments ( 2 )

On sunny days, my eyesight is partially obscured by what are clinically known as scotomas. They’re little black dots that dart around my field of vision following the direction that my eyes take. Clever sounding Greek derivations aside, you and I probably know them better as blind spots. Most of the time, I forget they’re there because they don’t actually impair my vision to a huge degree and I can carry on my daily routines without any discomfort. But when spring eventually peeps its head out of the clouds, they appear and I’m reminded that they never actually went away.

Pep Guardiola: I Think Football, Therefore I Am Football

April 28, 2013 · Comments ( 0 )

Inspired by Albert Camus’ The Outsider‘

Had he been party to the death, he might have felt a modicum of grief. As it happened, the circumstances surrounding the demise of the club he once loved did not affect Josep Guardiola in the manner in which bereavement was universally accepted to be observed by life’s survivors.

An Unusual Feeling Of Empathy For West Ham Fans

April 21, 2013 · Comments ( 13 )

We reserve a special term of reference for West Ham in our household. We call them The Spoilers. The genesis of this particular nomenclature can be found in the events of the final day of the 1994/95 season when Lud?k Mikloško performed improbable heroics in the Hammers’ goal to thwart a desperate Manchester United, consequently gifting Blackburn Rovers the title. A United fan she is, so Nina just won’t let it go. Similarly, West Ham’s role in the infamous ‘Lasagnegate’ match of 2006, which denied Spurs a first ever season in the Champions League continues to rankle the other half of this marriage.

Thatcher’s Game: Spurs, Sky And Revising History

April 14, 2013 · Comments ( 15 )

If I’m being honest, had I written this on the day she died my words would have been fuelled with eviscerating anger. Anger for the countless individuals, whose lives and livelihoods were callously considered by her to be collateral damage when compared to the implementation of her grand designs for this country. As the days have passed however, my moods have swung dramatically from bouts of resignation (her way won, right?) to moments of outright dejection witnessing as I have, the re-opening of the scars she inflicted upon us all; proof that the society which she alleged did not exist, remains as fractured as it was when she grabbed the reigns of power in the first year of my life.

Mandatory Di Canio, Sunderland And Fascism Post

April 7, 2013 · Comments ( 4 )

This week’s Dispatch in summary: Fascism is hilarious, David Miliband is an opportunistic little weasel and George Osborne presents a greater threat to British democracy than Paolo Di Canio’s appointment by Sunderland ever did.

Charlie Brooker Made Me Hate Spurs, Liverpool, Chelsea, Manchester United And You

March 31, 2013 · Comments ( 5 )

I want to start this week’s Dispatch with an apology of sorts.

Ever since I paid homage to Black Mirror, Charlie Brooker’s misanthropic outlook seems to have infiltrated my writing. It hasn’t helped that during the last month, I’ve saturated my brain cells with his latest volume of barbed commentary or ensured Weekly Wipe was set on series link. He’s even seeped into my teaching as I’ve openly promoted his bleak take on humanity’s slow slide into moronic passivity to my impressionable but highly gifted Media Studies students. It’s somewhat disconcerting however, when you find yourself pre-empting his snarky talent for a metaphor before he himself has even uttered it on How Television Ruined Your Life. My hair’s also started doing that weird little wavy thing he now sports. I feel I’m but one sneer away from calling Nina, Konnie.

Closed Shop: Why Cyprus And San Marino Will Never Play With The Big Boys

March 24, 2013 · Comments ( 2 )

When Oliver Kay of The Times was this week duped into writing a story detailing plans by those dastardly Qataris to finance a breakaway football league comprising Europe’s elite football clubs, the blogosphere (horrible word) erupted into a bilesack of righteous indignation. It was aimed at the incompetence of those people professionally employed to meld words together into sentences about football. In response to such insolence, writers who should really have risen above the tittle-tattle, retorted with puerile jibes aimed at belittling ‘amateurs’.

The Pope Supports Chelsea…Probably

March 17, 2013 · Comments ( 3 )

I love a good conclave, I do. All those doddering old men, locked away for hours upon end, wheeling and dealing their way like extravagantly robed Harry Redknapps, to electing a new Pope. Granted, my knowledge of this secretive little ritual mainly derives from various Dan Brown novels and as an atheist, I approach it with the detached bemusement I would any other archaic practice associated with organised religion. Thankfully, Sky News made it easier to follow for the layman, driven as they were to re-create the bombast and bluster of transfer deadline day in attempt to add some drama for the attention-ravaged masses. I lapped it up. It’s like FIFA’s general assembly. With added mitres and corruption.

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